More than twenty percent of couples divorce before the five-year mark, and nearly half of marriages call it quits before their twentieth anniversary. While ending a relationship can unleash a torrent of emotions, from grief and guilt to anger and fear, it can also be the right step to take. In this Guide, we’ll discuss when it’s time to “consciously uncouple” and how to get a divorce.

Key Takeaways:

• Consider the reasons you may be ready to end your domestic partnership.

• Learn about the necessary litigation. (You’ll hear this word a lot!)

• Get assistance and support from the right experts.

Decide if you want a divorce

There’s no “right” reason to end a marriage. Everyone follows a different path, but here are some common underlying issues that can lead to the dissolution of a relationship:

A lack of compatibility: Maybe your interests, values, attitudes towards money, parenting philosophy, or political views are no longer aligned with your partner’s. Or it could be something harder to define, like one or both of you feel disinterested or fatigued with each other, even after a trial separation. 

Trouble with communication. A stark difference in how you express your feelings and understand your partner can create challenges that are difficult to overcome. For instance, maybe you’re hyper-aware of how your partner is feeling and they can’t, or won’t, read your emotions. 

Infidelity: An affair is a common complaint of divorcing couples. Forgiving, regaining trust, and moving past infidelity is certainly possible, but it’s a commitment that not all couples want to take on.

Lack of intimacy: A sex life that’s out of sync doesn’t necessarily indicate a “low libido” or drop in attraction. It could indicate a lack of trust, respect, or emotional togetherness.

Conflict: Every couple argues, but how you disagree really matters. It can be a red flag if you feel like your spouse is always placing blame or lobbing complaints at you, rather than legitimately trying to find common ground. 

Addiction: If you feel that your partner has proven that they have a stronger connection to a destructive habit than they do to your relationship, divorce may feel like your best option.

Abuse: Everyone deserves to be in a relationship that’s free of physical and emotional abuse. If you’re in an abusive relationship, get support from the National Domestic Violence Hotline through a live chat, by calling 800-799-SAFE (7233) or by texting “START” to 88788.

If you’re seriously thinking of how to get a divorce, you may want to consult with a therapist. (Your spouse may be willing to participate, too.) A therapist can provide insight into your marriage and help you figure out which complaints may be fixable and which really are “irreconcilable differences.” If ending your domestic partnership still feels like the best option, a therapist can also help you decide how to tell your children and support them during the process. 

Do I need a divorce attorney?

The average cost for a divorce runs between $15,000 and $20,000. That’s because even under the best of circumstances, this type of litigation is often difficult and emotional. It often includes:

• A financial disclosure requirement between you and your spouse

• Restraining orders that prohibit you from transferring assets or changing beneficiary designations during the divorce

• Division of property and assets

• Division of retirement benefits

• Alimony payments/spousal support

• Child support (if you have kids)

In addition, every state has different divorce requirements. Hiring someone to guide you through the process can be a wise idea. 

That said, you have options when it comes to how to get a divorce.

A consulting attorney: If your divorce will be uncontested — that is, you and your spouse are on the same page about ending the relationship — and you have no children and a simple financial situation, you may choose to forego a divorce attorney and handle the process yourselves. 

To participate in a “DIY Divorce,” you’ll need to be willing to put your agreements in writing, including that neither you nor your spouse see a need to go to trial. You can then hire a consulting attorney to review the legal documents before you sign.

A mediator: A collaborative process called mediation requires you and your spouse to hire a neutral third-party to address all the issues related to your divorce. Your mediator can also prepare the settlement agreement that will need to be submitted to the court. 

It’s important to note that a mediator isn’t necessarily a lawyer. They could be a social worker, for instance, or an accountant. Because of that, mediation is a good choice for uncontested divorces. (And hiring an attorney to review the final terms of your agreement is still a good idea.)

Mediation is often much quicker than hiring a divorce attorney. It works best when a couple feels like they’re on equal footing and can make decisions together. Mediation can also make a divorce easier on children. They get to see that you and your spouse can still get along, even though your marriage may be coming to a close. 

A divorce attorney: In a traditional divorce proceeding, you’ll hire your own attorney and your spouse will hire another. Those two legal professionals will serve as your advocates, trying to reach a settlement agreement that is acceptable to both of you. If not, you’ll proceed to divorce court.

Before a judge, your attorneys will each have a chance to present evidence and introduce witnesses to support claims related to child custody, financial matters, and other issues. 

As you can imagine, going to trial can be time-consuming — and costly. You’ll be expected to pay your attorney whether or not the judge rules favorably towards you. But if your spouse has a history of abuse or addiction, isn’t being transparent with your finances, or there’s a power imbalance between the two of you, hiring a divorce attorney is the best way to protect yourself and any children you have.

Choosing representation

A divorce attorney should serve as your advocate and try to finalize your divorce as quickly as possible. To find the right person, start by asking friends or family members for recommendations. It’s also a good idea to meet with several candidates before you make things official.  

During that initial consultation, you may want to ask: 

• Do you specialize in divorces? How many have you handled? Have they been contested or uncontested cases?

• What is your strategy for my divorce?

• How long do you think it will take to get settled?

• Will anyone else in your office be working on my case? What experience do they have?

• What is your rate? What retainer do I pay upfront?

• Will I be charged for time I spend with other attorneys, paralegals, or office staff? 

• What other costs do you foresee, and can you estimate how much I may pay?

• Am I allowed to negotiate directly with my spouse?

If your divorce is fairly straightforward, a family law attorney may be able to assist you. But an experienced divorce attorney may be more appropriate if:

• Your finances are complicated

• You have a substantial amount of assets

• You have children and custody is an issue

• Your spouse may be uncooperative or unreasonable

Get ready — when you meet with an attorney or mediator, you’ll be asked for a significant amount of paperwork. Be ready to share information about:

• Your bank accounts (checking and savings)

• Investment accounts

• Retirement funds

• Pension plans

• Insurance policies

• Home mortgage

• Home equity loan

• Auto loans

• Credit card debt

• Student loans

• Properties you own (like real estate and vehicles)

• Health insurance

• Life insurance

• Tax info (for instance, pending refunds, liabilities, and deductions for children)

Trustworthy can help with this step. Add these documents to the Family Operating System so you can be confident that they’re all in one place. And protected — Trustworthy is the only online service for families that exceeds industry standards for security and privacy. You can then invite your attorney or mediator to access the information they need as they help you through the divorce process.

File papers to start the divorce

Whether you decide to file your own papers or hire a lawyer to do so, the instructions for filing a divorce will be specific to the state where you live. They should be available on your state court’s website, along with the papers you’ll need to fill out. (Some states also allow you to file for divorce online.) Divorce papers should be available from your county clerk’s office, too.

It’s important to remember that all states have different residency requirements. For instance, some may require you to live in a state for at least six months before you file for divorce there. Others may require a separation between you and your spouse for at least a year.

No-fault divorce vs. fault-based divorces

No matter where in the U.S. you live, you'll need to specify a reason for divorce.

A no-fault divorce means that no one claims responsibility for the end of the relationship. You simply have “irreconcilable differences” and feel that your marriage is beyond repair. In a no-fault divorce, there’s no necessity to call out, or prove, misconduct. Choosing this type of filing can result in a faster, simpler divorce

A fault-based divorce means that you’re claiming your spouse is responsible for the breakdown of your relationship. Legally acceptable reasons vary from state to state, but include abuse, abandonment, addiction, or infidelity.

A fault-based divorce must go to trial. You’ll need to submit evidence and prove to a judge that your spouse’s actions caused the end of your marriage. Because of those requirements, this type of divorce can take longer to resolve. But it may be worth it if there’s a lot at stake, such as custody of your children, spousal support, or significant assets.

You can file for a no-fault divorce in any state, but only 33 states provide the option to choose between a no-fault and fault-based divorce. If you’re not sure which is best for you, a divorce lawyer can help you decide.

Complete the rest of the paperwork

Once you decide whether to pursue a no-fault or fault-based divorce, you’ll need to complete the rest of the divorce filing process.

Generally speaking, you’ll:

Sign the divorce petition. You’ll need to do this in the presence of a notary public.

Make copies. The original will go to the court, but you and your spouse should both have your own copy. 

Submit the papers. You’ll also need to pay a filing fee. At this time, you’ll take one of the copies, and your spouse will get the other.

Share the divorce papers with your spouse. Even if “irreconcilable differences” means nothing and you’re on great terms with your partner, you can’t simply hand them divorce papers. These documents are to be served to them. Your county clerk’s office will give you instructions on using a licensed process server.

Finish the divorce

If you and your spouse can come to terms without going to court, you’ll sign an official settlement agreement and have it notarized.

You’ll do the same with all other legal documents like:

• Financial statement

• Child support worksheet

• Non-military affidavit

• Notice of hearing or request to put the case on the calendar

During a court appearance, a judge will ensure that you and your spouse are in agreement about the dissolution of your domestic partnership and the terms of the settlement.

Once your divorce has been granted, a divorce decree will be issued. This legal document is basically a court order ending your marriage.

It will contain specifics about your settlement, including:

• Spousal support

• Child support

• Child custody and visitation

• Division of assets (like property)

• Insurance coverage

• Other financial agreements

If your divorce went to trial, the decree will also contain the judge’s decision. Think of this as a judgment that both you and your spouse must adhere to.

It’s a good idea to request several certified copies of the divorce decree from your court or county clerk’s office.

You’ll need this legal proof of your divorce if you decide to:

• Change your name

• Close a joint bank account

• Refinance your home

• Revise estate planning documents

• Pursue further litigation (for instance, if you need to file a motion with the court because your ex isn’t complying with instructions of your settlement) 

• Remarry and apply for a new marriage license

While you’re at it, you can also see if your state offers a free divorce certificate. (Not all states do.) If so, you can request it from your state’s Office of Vital Records. This legal document provides proof of the dissolution of your marriage, but without revealing as much personal information as the divorce decree. 

You can show a marriage certificate to take care of tasks like:

• Applying for a passport

• Getting a travel visa

• Proving you’re no longer married to your ex

Once you have this important paperwork, don’t forget to upload it to Trustworthy. Because you can sync information between devices, you’ll always have access to it. Multi-household access allows you to share personal information with other family members as well.

There’s no class to teach you how to get a divorce; it’s different — and challenging — for everyone who goes through it. Accept support when you find it, and not just from Trustworthy, but from family and friends who want to guide you through this difficult time.